Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 100

Day 673: Today is the day. Today I make my move on Castle Lusipurr. If all goes well both Lusipurr and Steam Greenlight will be no more… and I will not be forced to write about these horrible, travesties of nature any longer. The morning crowd is clearing up and the guard patrols are getting lighter. It is time to go. Even if I succeed in the plan, this may be the last entry I make in this journal. If any future generations are reading this, know that one person was brave enough to step up and fight back. Think of what would happen if many people did the same thing together. As always, these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

And here I was thinking that I couldn't care less!

So, it’s like Frogger but with zombies?

ZombieCarz

It would not be a Steam Greenlight Round-Up without some crappy zombie game. Honestly, I cannot tell what this game is even supposed to be. I think the player drives as the zombie and fights other zombies walking on the road? Or maybe you ARE the zombie walking on the road and you are trying to avoid the cars, kind of like Frogger. Either way this is Russian garbage that should have never been made in the first place. I am pretty sure the player is the driver of the cars, because the game “showcases” the fact that the player can unlock a whooping THREE different vehicles to drive. Wow! Oh, and do not forget: “Don’t forget to pump over the car – otherwise the victory will escape from you.” Yes, I always remember to “pump over” my car before I leave for work in the morning. WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?! This game looks like it should just be some “pay to win” app to download for free, but it even looks bad for that. Like I said: Russian garbage.

Best Comment: AUIOOOME-^IUoIIEEEMDN: “lol”

Straight from the underground!

Ralie says Fuck the police!

Ralie

This is another one of those games in which I have NO CLUE where to start. Honestly, this could be a decent game if it was cleaned up a bit. But this is Steam Greenlight, so I am sure it will stay as a boring, generic side scroller with graphics straight from MS Paint. In this game the player controls the titular character “Ralie,” which seems to be some sort of Pichu-esque creature with no torso. Ralie was on a roadtrip with her family, but fell out of the car and now has to catch up with the rest of the group. Why her family did not just stop and wait for Ralie to catch up, we may never know. Maybe the end game involved Ralie realizing her family purposefully made her fall out of the car, in an attempt to get her to leave them forever. I know I wish I could do this with all of Steam Greenlight. And 90% of Undertale fans. We do not need a million Sans parody accounts, people. Anyway, this is generic garbage that should never be released.

Best Comment: Gorix:”I applaud the effort, but the platforming gameplay seems a little too generic at a glance. Maybe I just need to play it to get a proper impression. Also the character herself aesthetically screams Poke’mon to me, which is either good or bad. Speaking of aesthetic the graphics are not too shabby though the art style is a little odd, like the enemies don’t mesh well with the some of the more colorful background designs.”

Pull the paintball gun from the stone!

Yes, enjoy your simulated paintball games in the ruins of King Arthur’s castle!

Paintball 707

I love the idea of someone playing a paintball game. I mean, paintball is already a combat simulation, so these people are basically playing the simulation of a simulation of combat. Like, just play Call of Duty or whatever war simulation game is hot and new at the time. Or maybe this game is for people that are too scared to play real paintball, where the only danger is not wearing enough padding and getting a welt. Hey, I do not blame them. Welts can hurt! Also, the last time I played paintball you got hit one time and you were out. Is that true of this game too? If so, this game is going to be short and get boring really fast. I always love when these Greenlight games show off how many of one thing the player can unlock, because it is always something with a really small number. This game showcases TWO different teams to play as, green or red, FIVE different maps to play on, and THREE cheats to unlock! Wow! That might take a whole two hours to completely unlock! Garbage game, garbage idea, garbage everything.

Best Comment: LovetheJello: “Not the best graphics, bust must be a great game.”

ATTENTION CITIZENS! PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM CASTLE LUSIPURR: “Earlier today there were reports of an explosion coming from the castle. We wanted to let all of our loyal citizens that this is NOT true. What was experienced was planned maintenance to our servers, but one of them backfired. Nobody was hurt and the server was repaired without any lasting effects. ‘Everything is fine,’ says Chris Privitere, Minister of Fineness. Please report anyone you see claiming otherwise to your nearest friendly guard station. Thank you.”

Writer’s Note: Hey all, I just wanted to say that this will be the last regular entry of Steam Greenlight Round-Up, for the time being. Personal and work life has made it too difficult to write these every week, so I will be stepping down and maybe doing a monthly thing from now on. Lusipurr and I are still hashing out the details. I wanted to say that I really appreciate the support you are all shown me during this series. And I really loved making fun of these crappy games. Thank you and have a big one!

-Bup

4 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 100”

  1. Thanks for all your muckraking yellow (and brown) journalism on this subject. It has been a thoroughly entertaining series to follow for the past couple of years.

  2. Brown Journalism. Perfect.

    Bup will be rejoining us for a special MONTHLY article that will capture the essence of his Bup-ness. Look for the inaugural entry a few weeks from now!

  3. I’m glad there are heroes like Bup in the world to take a stand against the oppressive forces of those like Steam Greenlight.

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