Some people need to be shot into the Sun. This is just an unavoidable fact of life that we as a species have to accept whether or not it is a “convenient” truth. The editorial laid before the reader is filled with three large inconveient truths that have nothing to do with Al Gore or the internet that he invented in his free time as a youth.
First off, Jimmy Fallon should have been shot off into the sun a long long time ago. The host to end all hosts, Jimmy Fallon has continuously been annoying on tv for over a decade, torturing those in retirement homes who are unable to choose which channel to watch late at night. But some may ask, “how is Jimmy Fallon a gaming related celebrity?” The answer being that Jimmy Fallon tries to make his enjoyment of video games a loveable “quirk” to separate himself from other television stars. Oh no, a celebrity on tv who enjoys playing video games? What a weird but charming man! This has led to appearances by Nintendo on his show, even displaying the (at the time) coveted Nintendo Switch before its release. During this visit, Fallon physically could not shut his mouth and kept talking hours after the episode had finished taping. This is not an uncommmon occurence either, Jimmy Fallon is often forcibly placed into the “talking room” where he continues to talk to a non-existant live studio audience for hours and hours in order to tire him out. Needless to say, it is nothing short of a travesty that Jimmy Fallon is still not on a rocket set directly for the center of our solar system.
Next up is none other than Kobe Bryant, a famed basketball player who shares his talent with the Los Angeles Lakers. Bryant enjoys games in the “Call of Duty” franchise and has even appeared in a commercial for one of the games, however this is not why he should be shot into the sun. No, instead, NASA should shoot Kobe Bryant into the Sun in order to see if it is possible for the Sun to be slam dunked. While nerds like Elon Musk continue to test rockets and see if they can fly to Mars, they fail to realize the simple beauties in life like being able to slam dunk a celestial body. For decades humans have been trying to find life on other planets but they do not understand that to create communication with between aliens and humans, humankind must do something to capture the alien’s attention. What else would capture an extra-terrestial’s gaze that to see the Sun being slam dunked by one man? A mere spec of dust when compared to the grand cosmos in its entirety moving a slightly larger object when compared to the grand comsos…around the size of a dust bunny perhaps. Kobe Bryant is a perfect candidate to slam dunk the Sun deeper into the ever-growing hoop that is the Universe because of his tremendous skill, and the fact that Shaq demanded way too much money.
Last but certainly not least is Wilford Brimley, a man not often recognized for being involved in the video game industry. Unbeknownst to most avid gamers, Brimley did in fact star in a rom hack of River City Ransom entitled Wilford Brimley Battle. In this hack, Brimley runs around the neighborhood beating the shit out of local youths like a hero. So why should he be shot into the Sun? Just to see what happens. Wilford Brimley is super old and has looked like he was about to die for years, so it is more than likely that he could survive being shot into the flaming hot core of the Sun. No really, that was the only reason. No need to continue reading this editorial because it is officially over. Hopefully everyone had a safe April Fool’s Day and did not have a heart attack from some sort of surprise. Wilford Brimley sure has not had a heart attack any time recently, if anything he just gets stronger with time. Like some sort of diabetic vampire that feasts on the youth of others. Maybe Wilford Brimley is a vampire? That may have to be investigated in next year’s post. Just look at that mustache, normal people do not grow mustaches like that without murdering some innocents. Technically it is possible that Wilfrod Brimley is a completely normal person who just so happens to have aged in a certain way, but it would be much more interesting to analyze his life as if he was a blood-slurping fiend.