News: Square Enix-Reanimator

And Gackt, lots of Gackt!
This game clearly needs 100% more Kingdom Hearts!

More Final Fantasy Abortions to Come?

This author was originally debating whether to cover this initial story, as it seemed like a load of fake news, yet the slow news doldrums in the lead-up to E3 has decided the matter. During the week the Square Enix programmer who is overseeing Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age, Takashi Katano, spoke out about the potential for further Final Fantasy remasters, and the resulting statements have gaming blogs convinced that more fullscale Squaresoft PS1 era Final Fantasy remakes inbound and immanent!

Katano was asked about the potential for future remasters like The Zodiac Age, and so he responded with the very obvious fact that if any further Final Fantasy games were to receive a facelift, then it would likely be in the form of full remakes. This is because they cannot simply re-texture and uprez Final Fantasy games released before the PS2 era, because they all made extensive use of 2D elements. Thus it would be highly impractical trying to improve the quality of pre-rendered 2D backgrounds when they could just use the manpower to remake the games in modern 3D:

[Final Fantasy 12] is a PS2 title, and you look at the other titles in the series and technologically anything before the PS2 era is going to be quite difficult to do a modern remaster of to a suitable level of quality.

That means [a future game] is far more likely to be a remake.

When asked which title Square Enix would next seek to remaster, Katano simply said whichever one has the most support:

We really have to hear their voices on that, if they want to see a remake or a remaster of a certain game then that’s more likely to be the one we go for.

I’ve personally been working at Square Enix for 20 years now and I’ve got a lot of memories from that time. I think the way that we look at it is not the game that [we] would like to remake it’s really down to what the players, the fans, want to see.

So basically if Square Enix decides to rejuvenate an older title, then it is most likely to be a full remake of a popular game. Stop the press! This is hardly a commitment or admission of anything, and headlines proclaiming otherwise are fake news. Granted, the Final Fantasy VII Remake is actually happening, yet Square Enix employees were giving such non-committal mildly optimistic statements for an entire decade before the remake was actually greenlit. This being said, they are more than welcome to try and remake Final Fantasy VIII, as it is difficult to imagine that game being any worse. So who knows, maybe we will see Final Fantasy VIII Remake being announced in 2027 – that is something to look forward to!

I crie erry tiem!
[PICTURED]: These modern day Terri Schiavos are dying a lingering death!

In the Arms of an Angel

A terrible tragedy is currently befalling defenseless animals. PETA must be notified, as this has their MO written all over it. One really cannot stress enough the urgency of this matter. Right now in Second Life thousands of digirabbits are currently in the process of starving to death!

Digirabbits are a popular digital pet in the MMO Second Life, however they were not created by the game’s developers, but rather by a third party known as Ozimals. Unlike many digital pets these digirabbits were not a simple one off purchase, but rather Ozimals struck upon the genius idea of making players purchase a constant supply of petfood to prevent their little virtual friend from starving to death. Herein lies the problem.

Due to an impending lawsuit involving former employees, the company can no longer keep the server up which operate the DRM which governs the use of petfood – thus thousands of pet digirabbits can no longer eat. When the server went down another of the company’s creations known as pufflings instantly died, yet due to a cruel quirk of programming the digirabbits will die a lingering death. The digirabbits will not pass on so long as they have food in their bellies, meaning that from the shut down date each digirabbit could potentially survive for up to three days, meaning that the digirabbit shoah will not be complete until some time on Saturday. RIP in peace precious angels!

[UPDATE: Our source for this story did not accurately convey that the Ozimals brand virtual pets have been modified so that the pets no longer expire from not having access to Ozimals brand food and water. regrets the error. We also regret the continued existence of Second Life. -Lusi]

They're still convinced Switch is some sort of holy chalice.
This fellow doesn’t think too highly of the Nintendrone’s choice of primary console.

Not Destined for Switch

Destiny 2 has been announced and Nintendo fanbabies are not happy. When revealing news that the game would not be coming to Switch Bungie decided to be very diplomatic so as not to shatter their delicate psyches. Instead of stating the simple fact that the Nintendo Switch lacks the hardware required to run the game, Bungie instead said that it did not make a whole lot of sense to develop an always online game experience for a portable system:

I think it’s pretty unrealistic, given we’re an online-only game, right? The Switch, because it’s a portable – and I love my Switch, I’ve got Breath of the Wild here, I’ve got it with me. It’s incredible, I love the console, but in terms of where it’s at, I don’t want leave anyone with the possibility of, like, ‘it’s a thing we’ll consider, maybe next year.’ There’s no plans right now for Switch.

This of course led to Nintendo fanbabies crying about how bad this reasoning was. There really is no right answer with Nintendrones, other than to tell them exactly what they want to hear. It would have been better to tell them that Destiny 2 is not coming to the Switch because their system is trash – that at least would have been funny.

Nintendo fanbabies need to realise that their system is not like the other ones. Its mobile phone processor falls well short of the mark, it has half the system memory, no hard drive, and its largest capacity storage media is half the size of a dual layer Blu-ray. There is NO secret GPU in the Switch dock! This week Bungie also revealed that Destiny 2 was unable to run in a 60fps mode even when played on a PS4 Pro, due to the limitations of that system’s processing capabilities – yet somehow Nintendrones still think that the game could run on their system. No! It cannot, and it never will. If these people want to buy third party software, then they have certainly chosen poorly!


  1. No Ozimals rabbits passed away nor were they going to. Someone out there got a lot of information wrong. AND it was the fault of Ozimals…they actually provided a way for all of us to keep our bunnies alive, forever! The lawsuit is bogus as one party has already been paid and we are waiting on the other to show us her license. Although the company is gone the bunnies no long need food or water but will live on eternally in Second Life no thanks to two very greed ex employees.

  2. I am almost sorry I was the one to break the news on that story for ya. Nobody deserves to know they might FF15 a classic like FF9.

  3. So who knows, maybe we will see Final Fantasy VIII Remake being announced in 2027 – that is something to look forward to!

    If that happens, I will hold you responsible. Beware.

  4. @Lusipurr Wait won’t the live action actors at the end be too old to reprise those roles? Then again maybe it’ll all be Live Action QTE.

    Picture it:

    QTE plays out the same regardless of input. Realize that game is just a movie… put down controller and pick up pitchfork.

  5. @Korusi: If they turn Final Fantasy into some kind of Until Dawn, I will make it my life’s work to destroy Square Enix.

  6. @lusipurr they seem to be doing a good job of destroying themselves with their over acquisition of properties, watering down of their flagship titles, and having to remake an entire MMO by blowing it up and starting from scratch.

    On the subject of FF14, they will be introducing $25 job boost potions (Levels any battle job/class to 60 except the two new ones.), and $25 Story skip potion. (In case you want to jump right into the new content.

    So- on that note if you wanted to dip your feet back into it- they are planning to make it quite easy. They also said it’s subject to change and may be reviewed later.

    It’s possibly the one really bright note in the company’s history right now is that game’s rise from the ashes.

  7. @Korusi: I’m no longer interested in MMOs, sorry. Like I said in TSM 430, I’ve seen behind the veil.

    I completed every quest in the game for FFXIV’s initial release, and then following its Realm Reborn release, up to the first expansion. It was fine, but it was an MMO, which is essentially at endgame an endless spinning of tyres and wearing specific gear and behaving in specific ways if one wants to remain at the top of the raid tree. That’s not interesting or fun for me. In fact I posit that it is not interesting or fun in general, and that only social activity makes it so. But then I might as well do chores or housework with my friends at that point, as it would be more beneficial and less expensive.

    Selling $25 Level up and Story skip potions is a lamentable attitude to take. If the game is worth playing, it’s not worth skipping. If it is worth skipping, redesign it instead of charging people to skip it. The fact that ‘but it’s an MMO!’ doesn’t give them a pass on the fundamentals of game design and responsibility to consumers.

  8. @Lusipurr

    Just giving out the info. I personally agree that skipping story is a silly idea. I do however see the appeal and WHY you would want to offer that as a business, you want to give players a chance to jump in and play with their friends. while you do accurately outline how MMOs fall into a cycle of busywork that isn’t what keeps players playing. It’s playing with friends. Playing with friends keeps you playing in the same way that Mario Party destroys friendships.

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