Feature: Summer of Smash II: The Rematch

THERE CAN BE ONLY TWO! TOURNAMENTS! (well, actually, we cannot rule out potential future tournaments...)
Final Destination — the final destination for our tournament.

The summer has arrived–and, with it, the annual Lusipurr.com Donation Drive!

Flash back to the summer of 2009: Lusipurr.com launches the first site-wide, participatory feature, a playthrough of Final Fantasy IX. Now, flash forward to the summer of 2016: Lusipurr.com launches another site-wide feature, this time for a Smash Bros. Tournament. Now flash back to the Summer of 2011: Lusipurr.com launches a Summer Fundraiser drive. Now flash forward to the summer of 2017 as Lusipurr.com refines the Summer of Smash in an attempt to give readers even more participation than ever before (as evaluated on a non-linear, Cup Noodle-based evaluative matrix). For the present, hold temporal position as the preceding series of flash backs and flash forwards momentarily pauses.

Overview: Time to flash forward to the second paragraph of this featured post: Lusipurr.com begins an explanation of the fundraiser rules, terms, and conditions for the benefit of would-be participants. At the end of July, a Super Smash Bros. for Wii U Tournament will be held without any human players. Instead, the tournament will use Amiibo figure players, fully levelled but without customisation. Each Amiibo will represent a $10 donation in the Summer Fundraiser. All events will be broadcast live on Twitch, with commentary from Lusipurr and other staff members as available. Flash forward (again!) to a list of prizes.

Each plastic figure carries the hopes and prayers of a donator, driven to an act of desperate charity by a desire to make Lusipurr play and review selected games.
You again have the chance to be physically represented by a plastic trinket!

First Place: A Lusipurr-completed featured review (at least 1,000 words) of the selected game (exclusions apply as below).
Second Place: An archived Lusipurr weekly livestream episode of at least one hour playing the selected game (subject to exclusions based on ability to stream) and a poem written about the experience of playing the game.
Third Place: An archived Lusipurr weekly livestream episode of at least one hour playing the selected game (subject to exclusions based on ability to stream).
Last Place: An archived weekly livestream episode of at least one hour playing the selected game (subject to exclusions based on ability to stream) by donator’s choice of any streaming staff member other than Lusipurr.
All Participants: Entry into the end-of-the-year drawing to win a new game on Amazon or Steam valued at up to $80 US.
Shipping Note: Physical prizes require the provision of a mailing address.

How to Participate
1. Each $10 donated will allow for the selection of an Amiibo from the list below to be used in the tournament. Unclaimed Amiibos are bold in the list. Donators do not receive the Amiibos.
2. Donators select the available Amiibo(s) of their choice, and will post their selection in the comments thread below after donating. Once an Amiibo has been claimed, it may not be claimed by any other donator.
3. Donators also select the game(s) of their choice, per Amiibo, subject to the exclusions below. Once a game has been selected, it may not be selected again for any other entry.
4. Stages may not be selected. For each non-final round, stages will be chosen at random. In non-final rounds, item availability will be on, with default load-out and frequency.
5. The final round will be played on Final Destination with no items.
6. Qualifying donations will be accepted before 00:00 (US Eastern) on 29 July, 2016. The tournament bracket is available online in the post below, and will be updated with a broadcast schedule at a variety of times. Broadcasts will take place on Saturday 29 July and Sunday 30 July.
7. Multiple entries are permitted. Staff members may participate.

No, seriously, the goal here is to have Lusipurr play and review Final Fantasy VII.
This tournament seeks only a fair and balanced outcome which leaves Lusi playing Final Fantasy VII.

Tournament Format
• Battles will be set to three stock with a fifteen minute timer (used to enforce a result).
• In the event of a tie, play-offs will be held between the tied characters to enforce a result.
• In the qualifying and knock-out rounds, eight characters compete in a single battle with the top four characters proceeding to the next round.
• In the quarter-final and semi-final rounds, four characters compete in a single battle with the top two characters proceeding to the next round.
• For non-Final rounds, stages are selected from a list at random with default item activation, as given above.
• The final round takes place between four characters in a single battle, competing for first through fourth place.
• The final round will be played on Final Destination with no items.

Game Selection
Platforms: Available for play on Nintendo consoles or handhelds (excluding Virtual Boy, Digital DS/DSiware, and some N64 titles); all Sony PlayStation consoles or handhelds; Sega Genesis and MegaDrive (including some games requiring the 32X and Sega CD expansion).
Region: Released in the North America region in English.
Publisher: Legitimately published full releases: no self-published, pre-release, knock-off, unofficial, browser, or otherwise incomplete titles.
Availability: In circumstances where availability is a problem (due to scarcity, cost, or compatibility), entrants will be offered the chance to select an alternative game or receive a refund.
Exclusions: No MMOs, no games requiring a subscription or monetary transactions, and no non-game ‘entertainment software’ (i.e. there must be valid victory/defeat conditions, rules, possibility of failure, etc.). Games with an online component may be rejected at Lusipurr’s discretion. In addition, several games have already received a full LusiReview and are excluded from selection. Any game already owned by Lusipurr is available.

List of Characters and Games selected by Donators
Bayonetta: HuniePop (Adeki)
Bowser: Friday the Thirteenth (Dancing Matt)
Bowser Jr.: Kitty Power’s Matchmaker (Adeki)
Captain Falcon: Alpha Protocol (Lane)
Charizard: Raven’s Cry (Lane)
Cloud: Final Fantasy X (Sebahamut)
Corrin: Shaq Fu (Corrine)
Dark Pit: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Lane)
Diddy Kong: Total Recall (Clinton)
Donkey Kong: Donkey Kong Country Returns (Dancing Matt)
Dr. Mario: Super Mario 64 (Dancing Matt)
Duck Hunt: Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Dancing Matt)
Falco: Secret of Evermore (Dancing Matt)
Fox: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES) (Clinton)
Ganondorf: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Dancing Matt)
Greninja: Saint’s Row 2 (Lane)
Ike: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) (Imitanis)
Jigglypuff: Duck Hunt (Clinton)
King Dedede: Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six (Dancing Matt)
Kirby: Illusion of Gaia (Dancing Matt)
Link: Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls (Lane)
Little Mac: Ghostbusters (NES) (Clinton)
Lucario: Utawarerumono: Mask of Deception (Lane)
Lucas: Final Fantasy VII (Dancing Matt)
Lucina: Crystalis (Dancing Matt)
Luigi: Banjo Kazooie (Corrine)
Mario: Hakuouki: Stories of the Shinsengumi (Lane)
Marth: Star Trek (2013) (Imitanis)
Mega Man: Secret of Mana (Dancing Matt)
Mewtwo: Super Pitfall (Clinton)
Meta Knight: AD&D: Heroes of the Lance (Dancing Matt)
Mii Brawler: Streets of Rage (Corrine)
Mii Gunner: Aladdin (SNES) (Corrine)
Mii Swordfighter: Secret of the Stars (Clinton)
Mr. Game & Watch: The Goonies II (Dancing Matt)
Ness: Secret of Monkey Island (Dancing Matt)
Olimar: Bubsy 3D (Corrine)
Pac-Man: Darkman (Dancing Matt)
Palutena: Action 52 (Clinton)
Peach: Chrono Trigger (Dancing Matt)
Pikachu: Sonic Boom: Ryse of Lyric (Lane)
Pit: Knuckles Chaotix (Clinton)
R.O.B. Alien3 (Dancing Matt)
Robin: Syberia 3 (Lane)
Rosalina: Devil’s Third (Lane)
Roy: Watch Dogs (Lane)
Ryu: Earnest Evans (S.T.)
Samus: Metroid Prime (Dancing Matt)
Sheik: Quest 64 (Clinton)
Shulk: Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper (Lane)
Sonic: Phantasy Star 4 (S.T. for Korusi)
Toon Link: Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons (Korusi)
Villager: Hatoful Boyfriend (Lane)
Wario: Fester’s Quest (Dancing Matt)
Wii Fit Trainer: Willow (Dancing Matt)
Yoshi: Superman (N64) (Clinton)
Zelda: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Dancing Matt)
Zero Suit Samus: Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals (Imitanis)

For this picture, Reetin chose to shave. It was a special occasion marked by much fanfare.

Durga. Bigger and better than the alternatives. Well... at least bigger.Reetin and Durga

Milestone 1 (UNLOCKED!): Super Reetin Bros.
In 1989, the Super Mario Bros. Super Show debuted on televisions in North America, delighting children of every age. Expertly choreographed and with Emmy-winning voice acting and Noble Prize-winning dialogue, the Super Maro Bros. Super Show was such a hit that at the time it was declared retroactively responsible for the end of the Cold War and the onset of the Era of Good Feelings. However, history has been less kind, choosing instead to hold the show responsible for the decline of culture in general and music in particular. The show’s star, the late Captain Lou Albano, was a good friend with the queen of 80s pop, Cyndi Lauper. No doubt the show’s cancellation in 1991 is directly responsible for Cyndi Lauper’s fade from the limelight and the general descent of the world into musical chaos.

Now, Lusipurr.com can give readers the chance to travel back in time (virtually), by ordering Reetin (recently hit by a semi) and Durga (recently seen fleeing from a collison-damaged semi) to don clothes appropriate to the situation as they stand in front of Reetin’s professional green screen and re-create the Super Mario Bros. Super Show Opening Credits. Cyndi Lauper will return to greatness. The ’80s will live again. Don’t stop believin’!

Upon reaching the first donation milestone:
• Reetin will create and wear a Mario costume.
• Durga will create and wear a Luigi costume.
• Using a green screen, they will re-create the opening titles to The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.
They will look ridiculous. You will laugh.
Heya paisanos!

Sebahamut is not amused at the prospect of being a servant.

Lusipurr--the ultimate boss. As in 'Final Boss'. Sebahamut and Lusipurr

Milestone 2 (UNLOCKED!): Lack Butler
On 14 October, 1066, at the Battle of Hastings, Duke William’s Norman cavalry forces charged the defences of King Harold’s Saxon fyrd pikemen. In a critical moment, as the Duke’s cavalry were crashing on the spears, the word went about that the Duke himself had been slain. The Norman forces looked about for their leader in the blood and carnage, and they began to waver. Amongst the dying Normans were Olivia de Fougeres and Sir William de St. John. In that moment, perhaps, Sir William de St. John turned his eyes heavenward and made a deal with some supernal force for the protection of his infant son, John, born less than a year ago and still living in Normandy. –Or perhaps, whispers suggest, he sought the assistance of some more subterranean authority. Whatever the case, Duke William tore off his helmet at the crucial moment of the battle, showing his men that their lord yet lived. He rallied his forces and, hours later, it was King Harold who lay dead. Duke William, the Norman invader, became William the Conqueror, King of England.

In Normandy, the orphaned John de St. John grew to adulthood, cared for by family. Without living parents, his future was not of the highest priority, and he married Emma Harcourt, a woman of no very great station. Their son, Roger de St. John, moved to Sussex, where he married Cecily de la Haye, daughter of Sir Robert de la Haye, a minor aristocrat and, like Roger, a Norman expatriot. It was their daughter, Maude de St. John, who married John de Port, son of Henry de Port, Sheriff of Castle Southampton. When Maude had a son, Adam, he became Baron Adam, Governor of Castle Southampton, eventually coming to dwell as Lord of Portchester Castle, Hampshire. Thence, by direct descent, came Lusipurr himself–but it would have all been for naught, had it not been for a dying father’s plea on the battlefield at Hastings, if legend is to be believed.

But now, pulling back the veil of history and the mists of uncertainty, a curious servant is revealed to have been assisting the descendants of Sir William de St. John–a butler of indifferent skill and uncertain disposition. Across ages and times, the uncertain and even dubious fortunes of the family have been subtly protected by this mysterious figure. Some say he cannot complete an opera; and, that he endlessly revists prior locales, in which he becomes lost. All we know is that he is called Sebahamut.

Upon reaching the second donation milestone:
• Sebahamut will come to stay with Lusipurr, serving as his butler for one full day, from midnight to midnight.
• The key events will be filmed, and the total footage will be cut into a feature presentation of approximately 90 to 120 minutes in duration (not counting outtakes).
• Editing will be performed by Adeki. He alone bears responsibility if this becomes the next Christmas Spectacular 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013.
He is one Hell of a butler.

The resemblance to Bowser Jr. is uncanny.

Just like a racist uncle, except not related to you.Adeki and SiliconNooB

Milestone 3 (UNLOCKED!): Arousing Adeki, Sickened S’Noob
Cindy Crawford. Kate Moss. Claudia Schiffer. Twiggy. All famous, all models, all conventionally beautiful. At Lusipurr.com, we seek unconventional beauty–and, as SiliconNooB, Doctor of Feminism, will confirm, we believe in a true equality of the sexes. For too long, society has treated the exposed female body, curvy yet slender, lissom yet ample, as the height of human beauty. –But no longer! At Lusipurr.com, we challenge traditional expectations, we defy convention, and we break down barriers. We will put Adeki in a bikini in this decade and do the other things–not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

Upon reaching the third donation milestone:
• The site will purchase for Adeki a selection of Kirby-themed intimate apparel.
• Modelling these selections, Adeki will provide lingerie-model-style photographs of the results.
• SiliconNooB will provide a detailed fashion review of each piece.
• Kirby underwear and lingerie for small, teen girls. Adeki will model it. He will take pictures. The pictures will be here, where you can see them.
• Let us be clear: big fat Adeki. Rolls of fat. Jiggles like a jelly. Think ‘infant Jabba the Hut’. In tiny, itty bitty, pink, Nintendo bikini panties.
• SiliconNooB may never sleep again. You may never sleep again. This could spell the end for humanity.
• Adeki is 18 now so this is totally legal!
What has been seen cannot be unseen…

I solemnly swear that this script will *never* be outdone by anything that I have produced or ever will produce for this website. It will be the greatest experience of your life. -Lusi
Lusipurr’s Lost Magnum Opus…

FINAL Milestone (UNLOCKED!):
Lusipurr’s Epic Final Fantasy VI Fanficstravaganza

When Final Fantasy VI was released in October 1994, it affected Lusipurr greatly. Until that point, he had contented himself with the mere ad-libbed composition of insulting, rhyming doggerel when pursued by bullies. Climbing trees, leaping from limb to limb, he would laugh and shout gleeful, amusing nonsense to confound and enrage his foes until, foiled by his physical and mental dexterity, they would seek another, easier target for their oafish depredations.

However, after Final Fantasy VI, Lusipurr began to commit his creative writings to print: for the first time, he engaged in non-fiction literary endeavours. Gone, at last, were the days of diligently recording historical events and philosophical musings about the nature of epistemology and Kant’s approach to beauty and the sublime. And what was to be his first creative work? Why, a complete theatrical presentation of Final Fantasy VI, expanded–of course–to take advantage of modern theatre’s every convenience and contrivance. Eventually registering over sixty pages of single-spaced, edge-to-edge 10pt typeface, and written entirely in MS-DOS Text Editor, the text greatly expanded minor roles like those of Biggs and Wedge, and treated the plot of Final Fantasy VI as a matter of high comedy–at least, by the estimates of a high school freshman. And despite its length, it reached no farther in the storyline of Final Fantasy VI than the depature from Narshe. Sadly, it is likely (although not yet certain) that this original text has been lost to time, stored as it was on a 3 1/2″ floppy disk, and in a single print copy. But why let a simple thing like the ephemerality of the text stand in the way of literary greatness?

Upon reaching the final donation milestone:
• Lusipurr will exhaust every effort to find the floppy disk or printed script and retrieve it for performance.
• If that is impossible, Lusipurr will create it anew, to the best of his ability and memory.
• The entire script will be performed LIVE by the entire Lusipurr.com staff, in a livestreamed special.
• The performance will also be released as a feature podcast presentation.

And upon exceeding the final donation milestone:
For every $20 received above the final milestone at the end of the donation drive, Lusipurr will add another Final Fantasy character to the script, beginning with FFVI and then branching outwards to other games in the series as necessary.
Could this be the greatest literary moment of the modern era?

Base Characters: Biggs, Wedge, Terra, Narshe guards, Kefka, Gestahl, Arvis, Locke, Mog, and Imperial troopers.

Amount needed for next character: $20

No one expects Lane!

A LANE STRETCH GOAL!?: The Great Lusipurr Lunch-Off!
Dissatisfied with Lusipurr’s decision not to provide the site’s rabid readership with stretch goals, Lane has emerged from the overheated wastes of the American southwest. Shambling forward with hands outstretched, clasping dollar bills in each meaty fist, the returning champion of the original Summer of Smash has determined that the readership WILL NOT BE DENIED! And therefore, pursuant to this noble cause, he has wheeled forth from its place of storage the fabled THE FALLEN SUN: TEXAN GRILL ‘N’ STILL: HOT DOGS & MOONSHINE pushcart–a pushcart which was NOT destroyed in the legendary Lusipurr.com Headquarters Relocation of July 2012–eager to provide Lusipurr with luncheon for his delectation and subsequent judgement.

For every $50 raised beyond the final donation milestone:
• Lusipurr will order Lane to prepare a new dish, selected from his favourite meals.
• Lane will prepare the requested dish and will ship it special delivery as a perishable good to Lusipurr.
• Lusipurr will eat the dish on stream, and will prepare a write-up review.
• If Lane poisons Lusipurr, he forfeits his possessions, capital, and family to a life of servitude to the site.
Bon appetit, pard’ner!

Amount needed for next meal: $30

Times are in 24-hour format, US Eastern.

Saturday 29 July 2017
15:00 – Qualifying I (A, B, C, D)
18:00 – Qualifying II (E, F, G, H)
21:00 – Knock-Out (I, J, K, L)

Sunday 30 July 2017
15:00 – Quarter Finals (M, N, O, P)
18:00 – Semi-Finals (Q, R)

21:00 – Final (S) and Loser Bracket (T)

[Click to view the Tournament Bracket]


    Lucina – Crystalis (NES)
    Samus – Metroid Prime (GC)
    Peach – Crono Trigger (SNES)
    Zelda – Link’s Awakening (GB)
    Kirby – Illusion Of Gaia (SNES)
    Dr. Mario – Super Mario 64 (N64)
    Donkey Kong – Donkey Kong Country Returns (Wii)
    Mega Man – Secret Of Mana (SNES)
    Falco – Secret Of Evermore (SNES)
    Ness – Secret Of Monkey Island (Com.)

    Wario – Fester’s Quest (NES)
    Bowser – Friday The 13th (NES)
    Ganondorf – Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (NES)
    King Dedede – Spider-Man: Return Of The Sinister Six (NES)
    Meta Knight – AD&D: Heroes Of The Lance (NES)
    Duck Hunt – Gremlins 2: The New Batch (NES)
    Mr. Game & Watch – The Goonies II (NES)
    Wii Fit Trainer – Willow (NES)
    Pac-Man – Darkman (NES)
    R.O.B. – Alien^3 (NES)

  2. @Dancing Matt: Wowzers that was quick. ENTRIES RECORDED.


    Dancing Reetin and Durga will help me cope if you win, because some of those bad games are AWFUL.

  3. @Dancing Matt: You just HAD to do it, didn’t you? Now “Super Reetin Bros.” will be inflicted upon the world. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. I hope you have trouble sleeping tonight. Or, today. If you work third-shift. Or if you are an insomniac. Or if you just prefer to sleep during the day. Or, if you are a vampire.

  4. It was my birthday yesterday, so think of it as granting a wish. “Cyndi Lauper will return to greatness. The 80’s will live again.” I work second-shift and am always up past midnight anyways.

  5. @DM: *Some* of these ‘heroes’ games are good, but these Villain games are awful. It took me ages to beat Willow and Goonies II. Blech.

  6. @Lusipurr: Willow and Goonies II are definitely the best games on that side of the list, they’re just tedious and unrewarding. I think Spider-Man and Heroes Of The Lance are the worst – the latter is absolutely unplayable, Deadly Towers bad. I still have all 4 of those cartridges too. You’re probably not going to get any of those though. Maybe Willow.

  7. I want to donate so badly… This just came at a very bad time. Alas. If anyone would like to take up the mantle of evil and use Phantasy Star 4?

    Hopefully I will have the ability to donate before the event is done. GL everybody else.

  8. @Korusi: You’re in luck! In previous years we only did it for one month, but because people asked last year for a slightly longer period, we extended it by a few weeks. So, maybe there will be time after all! :)

  9. Alas, I shall throw my hat into the ring with a $20 donation, and choose my 2 Amiibos, SONIC and RYU.

    Sonic – Phantasy Star 4 (for Korusi)
    Ryu – Earnest Evans (Sega Genesis)

    You’re welcome.

  10. Corrin – Shaq Fu
    Olimar – Bubsy 3D
    Luigi – Banjo Kazooie
    Mii Brawler – Streets of Rage

  11. Bayonetta – Huniepop

    Bowser Jr. – Kitty Power’s Matchmaker

  12. Cloud – Final Fantasy X

    HA HA HA!

    HA HA HA!


  13. Sebahamut, in retribution for that outrageous outburst, you get to play Wack Butler.

    Lucas – Final Fantasy VII

  14. I have a new game I can throw at Lusi- I’ll keep it Secret till I can scrape up the cash to donate. Then I will pick one of the Stars to Fox the other Amiibos up.

  15. @Dancing Matt: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. Time to add my contribution to the suffering that is the donation drive.

    Marth: Star Trek (2013)
    Ike: Sonic 2006
    Zero Suit Samus: Lufia II


    No new donations! We’re still stranded on 33!
    Help us get to Adeki-lingerie land!

  18. Finally Donated and have I got a pick for you!

    After much thinking;

    Toon Link; Uncharted Waters 2 (SNES)

  19. Sorry for double post but it occurred to me the Uncharted Waters 2 for SNES was just called “Uncharted Waters: New Horizons”

  20. No double-post rule at Lusipurr.com. POST TO YOUR HEART’S CONTENT!


    Thanks to Korusi we’re up to 34! That’s just 11 to go to the next milestone!

  21. 10 entries, probably will not name 10 games though.pick whatever amiibos but these are my picks for games:
    NES total recall
    Genesis/32x knuckles chaotix
    360: fable 2, fable 3, fable heroes, fable: the journey
    SNES tecmo secret of the stars
    And NES duckhunt.
    Have fun lusi, mwahaha.

  22. Clinton, you will need to reselect for the Xbox games. You should also check the rules above for exclusions about games. Some of your other selections may not be acceptable, and I want you to select the games yourself, rather than being disappointed when one is in eligible and I have to select a replacement for you. Sorry that I can’t be more detailed right now, but we have no Internet or power, and I am doing this via my phone.

  23. Just a note about Knuckles’ Chaotix…. The game will not work on a stock Sega Genesis, but if you are playing through emulation, every major Genesis emulator for PC or Mac supports playback of both Sega CD and 32x games.

  24. ST, thank you for the heads up. It may be a few days before we have power again, so I can’t test it right now, but if it doesn’t work I will let Clinton know.

  25. I screwed up by not reading the rules, i remember a couple of episodes ago on the podcast siliconNoob mentioned that I should pick fable 2. So I put part of the blame on him, he is a good scapegoat for my faults. Give me a day or two and I will fix my picks, I have to read through some top ten worst game lists first.

  26. @Clinton Amiibo were randomly selected for you, and you will see a few on the list above with your name and a “TBD” for your game selections.


    Clinton’s Selections Are:
    Diddy Kong
    Little Mac
    Mii Swordfighter


    Mii Gunner – Aladdin SNES

    Hellooooooooo Adeki ;)

  28. @Corrine: I hate you.

    POST UPDATED! Milestone 3 UNLOCKED! May God have mercy on our souls.


    Only 13 possible entries left. Submit your entries now–because, although donations are still accepted after all the entries are completed, any entries beyond No. 58 are not eligible for prizes!

  30. Dear friends,

    I visited my familial abode today. Despite much searching, I was unable to find any trace of the original FFVI theatrical script, or the disks on which it was kept, or the folder in which a copy was located, or even the wicker basket in which these things were once stored. It is, I believe, lost entirely to time.

    However, what that means is that when I create it, if indeed we receive the requisitie entries, I will do so with skills considerably honed since I graduated High School, and I will tailor the dramatic parts to our staff members.

    Keep in mind that if we exceed the donation target (as detailed in the main post above), I will add in characters, and make demands upon my staff members to provide different voices for each. Their misery will be YOUR entertainment!

  31. Fear not, gentle friends, for it was only the siren song of running my own law practice which has kept me away. Now, in fairness, no one told me this “run your own business and manage employees while trying to shepherd people through the worst times of their lives” bit was going to be difficult, and I simply could not have anticipated it, being less than half the famed clairvoyant as Madame Sesostris.

    So, apropos of nothing more than wanting to see my dear friend Lusipurr suffer as a butterfly upon the wheel, I have finished out the donation drive. Bear with me now as I open my Tome of the Unthinkable to find the most degrading, humiliating, and frankly bizarre games as I can. I fully intend to type phrases like “hardcore yaoi otome” and “Steam Greenlight BUP” into Google.


    1. Alpha Protocol
    2. Raven’s Cry
    3. Aliens: Colonial Marines
    4. Saint’s Row 2


    1. Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Depsair Girls
    2. Utawarerumono: Mask of Deception
    3. Hakuouki: Stories of the Shinsengumi
    4. Syberia 3


    1. Sonic Boom: Ryse of Lyric (Wii U)
    2. Devil’s Third (Wii U)
    3. Watch Dogs (Wii U)
    4. Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper (Wii U)


    1. Hatoful Boyfriend (yes, the pigeon dating sim)

  33. What I mean to say is, “Thank you all for your donations!” Ah.

    Well, don’t forget that we are taking donations until 29 JULY. That’s 20 more days–for every further $20 donated, I will add a character to the FF6 Dramatic Script. And although it probably won’t be necessary, if I run out of FF6 characters, I will add them from other FF games.

    I intend to have the script finished by mid-August, but the worst case scenario is that it will be ready for performance in early January following the Winter school holidays.


    Lane has volunteered his OWN stretch goal. Details forthcoming…

  35. You’re all sick people and you deserve the pictures you will bear witness to.

  36. @Korusi: Nope, the goals are locked in.

    Lane has wheeled forth the grill-n-still once more. The Fallen Sun rises once again!

    Check out the addition of the STRETCH GOAL in the main post above!

  37. @lusipurr with Lane owning his own law practice, he might be able to get away with poisoning you. I on the other hand will just poison you with bad games.
    The rest of my games: nes teenage mutant Ninja turtles, Ghostbusters, super pitfall, and action 52. N64 quest 64, and Superman.

  38. For the FFVI script stretch goals, would a reader who donates $20 be able to choose a character, or would you add one as you see fit?

  39. @D’Matt: I would certainly seriously consider any such request and do my best to accede, but at the same time I cannot make any guarantees because there are the vagaries of donations which don’t quite meet the total to consider, and of course the integrity of the narrative, which I genuinely do wish to preserve. Let it not be said that I am anything less than earnest!

  40. I’m surprised no one suggested Legacy of the Wizard on new or Super Hydelide

  41. @Burp: Hey, I like Legacy of the Wizard!

    Hydlide can die in a fire.

  42. I have an idea for someone for your show who matches your personality. A YouTube reviewer named Guru Larry. He has the same tastes as yours on Peter Molenieux.

  43. @Burp: He’d have to apply first!

    Also, it has been quite nice the past few years without any Peter Molynews. Perhaps he has finally spent all the goodwill he once attained.

  44. Kupek should fit inside the narrative integrity of the FFVI script.

  45. @TanzenMatt: This thing for you WILL BE DONE!

    Stretch goal 1: 1st Bonus dramatic character unlocked (Kupek)!

  46. UPDATE! Amiibo Arrival!
    The Cloud, Corrin, and Bayonetta amiibos arrived today. The contest is a week from tomorrow!
    This is the last week for donations that will contribute to the stretch goals above!
    And remember: every donator of $5 or more is entered into a chance to win the end-of-the-year free game drawing!

  47. Prediction: Both of the Amiibos for the games I want will fail in the first round.

    Possible winners:
    Dark Pit
    Little Mac

    Just based on the general consensus of tier lists.

    Any other guesses?

  48. I always back Ness to win, because I have played him constantly in every incarnation of Smash Bros., and I believe he is the best character from one of the best games with the best stages and Ness is just awesome, I love Ness, I used to dress like Ness until Ginia made me stop PK FIRE!

  49. So I take it you have no problems with Secret of Monkey Island? Cause if he does win that’s what you’ll be thrust with.

  50. “Expecting X to win” ≠ “Liking the results of X winning”

  51. Lucas made a solid run last year too, so that might come to something interesting. But then again, so did Wii Fit Trainer.

  52. I hope Wii Fit Trainer doesn’t win because that would give Ethos an emotional boost that he doesn’t deserve!

  53. We’re only $20 from another character and $30 from making Lane turn chef. Surely someone can throw a few dollars into the hat on THIS FINAL EVENING!

    That’s all she wrote, ladies and gentlemen. TUNE IN TODAY FOR THE FIRST OF OUR SMASH BROS. TOURNAMENT STREAMS!

  55. Maybe Lane will throw in a stretch goal since we got 2/5 of the way there. I’m a little sad that I won’t get to taste his cuisine.

  56. Oh well, I’ll have to watch it when it posts. Have fun!

  57. SemiFinal donator breakdown:

    Lane: 3 Entries
    DancingMatt: 2 Entries
    Sebahamut, Corrine, Clinton: 1 Entry ea.


    Cloud: Final Fantasy X (Sebahamut)
    Lucas: Final Fantasy VII (Dancing Matt)
    Luigi: Banjo Kazooie (Corrine)
    Yoshi: Superman (N64) (Clinton)

    That’s a good spread of donators, although if Clinton wins anything I will have to verify that I can actually play Superman on the hardware at my disposal!

  59. 1st place: Cloud (Final Fantasy X LusiReview)
    2nd place: Luigi (Banjo Kazooie LusiStream and Poem)
    3rd place: Yoshi (Superman 64 LusiStream)

    Last place: Mii Brawler (Streets of Rage staff stream)


  61. At least I was the only donator who actually did pick good games! Imagine going through this one with absolutely no hope, round to round, each one worse than the last. I wouldn’t have picked Luigi or Yoshi anyways, and who could tell about Cloud beforehand. Zelda and Lucina did better than expected, and Lucas made it all the way to the end matched up with really tough opponents. Ness and Dr. Mario made it to the finals last year, but they totally screwed the pooch this time, and Mega Man’s performance was very unfortunate.

    At least this way you don’t have to actually play FF X, just write “This game is a time-wasting, soul-stealing, hollow experience that should have been forgotten by now” in a bunch of different languages, both ancient and modern. I really do wish that Meta Knight lost the loser’s bracket though. Streets Of Rage isn’t bad, but Heroes Of The Lance is genuine punishment and possibly illegal. Just play Link’s Awakening some other time. It is wonderful and will wash the bad N64 games away.

  62. @DancingMatt: I was really hoping that my staff would have to play Heroes of the Lance. It is awful, awful garbage.

    Next year, next year, Link’s Awakening. I think everyone on staff forgot about Link’s Awakening until you put it on that list, and then suddenly everyone was saying, “Oh yeah! That’s a good little game!” Maybe we’ll do a playthrough of it one day.

  63. Streets of rage is fantastic but I am wondering which staff memeber should play it?? Do you all have a genesis?

  64. Yes: all of the streaming staff members can play Genesis titles.

Comments are closed.