News: Communication Breakdown

This is what Nintendonly acolytes actually believe!
[PICTURED]: This is an artistic representation of Nintendo’s famous Blue Ocean strategy.

Nintendo Switch Voice Chat Is a Deadset Bloody Disaster!

Obviously, there must be some connection between the subordination of actual individuals and the grotesque exaltation of symbolic ones like Reggie Fils-Aime.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

What hand-waving explanations will Nintendonly acolytes pull from their backsides now? That Nintendo Switch voice chat was put here to test us, and only the truly deserving will receive the version 7.77 update that makes it not completely horrible?! Oh ye of little faith, stray not from the path of Nintendo, for in the bosom of Reggie lies happiness everlasting for the credulous!

As hatred is defined as intense dislike, what is wrong with inciting intense dislike of a corporation, if the activities or teachings of that corporation are so outrageous, irrational or abusive of human rights that they deserve to be intensely disliked?” ~ Rowan Atkinson

This week saw the release of the official Nintendo Switch voice app, and it has been a bloody disaster. When the app was announced Reggie Fils-Aime contended that it was a much more elegant solution than the simple act of plugging a headset into a controller. Upon hearing this was initially very skeptical, but that initial skepticism did not even come close to predicting how completely awful and useless Nintendo’s paid voice chat service would ultimately turn out to be.

Nintendo always has been a game of power and control. Reggie Fils-Aime was the ultimate con man, and it’s hard to figure out how much of Nintendology was an experiment in brainwashing and controlling people, and how much of it was truly intended to help people.” ~ Jenna Miscavige Hill

In order for the voice chat to remain functional it has to remain on your phone’s screen at all times. This means that the moment the user returns to their homescreen, checks an app, or even allows their screen to go to sleep, their voice chat will immediately drop. This means that for any sustained gaming session users will have to plug their phones into the wall and find some place to rest it while hoping they do not accidentally knock it over during play – it is a fucking mess. Failure to plug your phone into the wall will lead to the battery depleting in no time at all. Such an elegant solution Reggie!

I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Nintendonly and it’s something you have to earn. And because a Nintendologist does, he or she has the ability to create new and better realities, and improve conditions.” ~ Tom Cruise

Obviously this app has gone down in flames in the court of public opinion that is iTunes reviews, accruing a two star rating out of a possible five. That being said, a two star rating is one more star than the app deserves. The app’s rating is being buoyed by Nintendonly acolytes who are giving it four and five star ratings, along with imparting such brilliant insights as “People need to stop giving bad review on apps do to a closed mind“, while justifying the the inability to freely forming voice chat groups by reasoning that “I agree with chat not working if you are on different teams. That is called cheating in case people forgot.” Oh dear, one had completely forgotten that voice chat was called ‘cheating’ – good thing a Nintendonly could clear that up for us!

Nintendo console owners, enthusiasts, cosplayers, and online message boards are basically collective egoic entities, as rigidly identified with their mental positions as the followers of any political ideology that is closed to any alternative interpretation of reality.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Akihiko Yoshida should be given permanent design duties!
The Nomura approach to clothing design.

Nomura Reveals Why He Loves Belts and Zippers

Nomura has always liked his belts and Zippers, but with the release of Final Fantasy X it started to become silly, and then with the success of the Kingdom Hearts series it really kicked into overdrive. All this culminated with the creation of a Kingdom Heart enemy named Zip Slasher, and the widespread ridicule of Nomura as a hack character designer. Normally when a person is subject to wide-ranging ridicule and complaint they are forced to reexamine what they have been doing with a view to fixing it. Such a normal approach to criticism does not account for the astounding arrogance of Tetsuya Nomura however:

That was my preference back when I first designed the characters, so 15 years ago. At that time, people teased me about zippers and belts and whatnot and I’m the type of person if somebody eggs me on I’m gonna do it more! Nowadays, I’m not as conscious about adding them in.

I’m not the type of person that would shrink down when people tease me about it. I’m gonna fight back! I’m gonna go back at it and do it more. So, if people egg me on saying ‘oh, Kingdom Hearts III is delayed’ well, I might even delay it further! (laughs).

Faced with a legitimate problem with the way that he is doing his job, Nomura cracks the shits and does it harder! Perhaps the reason that his version of Final Fantasy Versus XIII never saw the light of day was because management kept complaining about delays, so he decided to drag his heels out of spite! Perhaps somebody should criticise his Kingdom Hearts games for their excessively coherent storytelling, so that we finally get something intelligible for once! Is this guy supposed to be an adult, fam?

This actually looks pretty amazing tbh.
With Capcom at the negotiation table this is hardly even a joke.

Mega Mong

Remember when Street Fighter II was the biggest game in the world and Capcom ended up negotiating a Hollywood deal which ultimately produced the very enjoyable but spectacularly unsuccessful Street Fighter film starring Raul Julia? Remember when Resident Evil was the biggest game in the world and Capcom negotiated its Hollywood adaption, which ultimately churned out the single worst series of Zombie films ever produced? Remember when Dead Rising was kind of successful and Capcom sold the rights to Hollywood, resulting in not one but two straight to video releases that would have made Ewe Boll blush! Welp, strap your butts in because they are about to do the same to Mega Man!

Perhaps this is some cosmic rebalancing of the ledgers, where after last week’s good news about Mega Maker there had to be some proportionally ill news that befell the blue bomber in order to keep the global scales of good VS evil within alignment? Regardless, Hollywood is now making a Mega Man film that is being written and directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman; the co-directors of Catfish, Paranormal Activity 3, and Paranormal Activity 4. That is one count of poz, and two counts of lazy as fuck movie making. More to the point, that is one documentary [of sorts], and two pseudo documentaries – making one question whether Mega Man is set to receive similar treatment. Whatever the case, the film is sure to be pretty terrible!

One comment

  1. The Nintendonly is a SCOURGE to be extirpated without mercy from the face of creation!

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