News: Milking a Dead Cow!

We have crossed over into Clown World!
Anyone else looking forward to Episode Cup Noodle?

More DLC Announced for Final Fantasy XV

It is the perfect ruse! Release a blatantly incomplete game with a narrative that is full of holes, and then charge $10 a pop for DLC episodes which attempt to plug the huge gaps in the game’s plot! If you think about it this is a way better strategy than making a Final Fantasy XV-2, as making brief DLC missions is way cheaper with a far superior return on investment, and millions of people already own the base game, and are inclined to throw good money after bad in the vain hope that the game’s narrative will be able to be salvaged into something comprehensible!

Maybe we will finally get Episode Escape of the Prisoner DLC which finally reveals how Noct’s buddies managed to incompetently lose their captive off-camera. Maybe we will finally get Episode Seaside Mafioso DLC, which chronicles how one man was able to make the career move from cartoonish mafia stereotype to professional journalist and aspiring amateur jeweler! Whatever the case, Square Enix is claiming that the demand for more Final Fantasy XV story DLC is so great that the team has committed 2018 to churning out more DLC for this shitty game!

... Instead Square Enix plans on making Final Fantasy XV for a third time!
Switch owners might not be getting this version at all…

Square Enix Is Thinking of Building a Third Version of Final Fantasy XV

To sell a lot of DLC you have to support a lot of platforms, and that is a problem when one of the prospective platforms in question is the underpowered Nintendo Switch. There has been some recent speculation that the Switch would simply receive a port of the smartphone version of Final Fantasy XV, however the structure of that version of the game does not support the DLC being produced, and so Square Enix will only port that version as a last resort. Square Enix have already tried running Final Fantasy XV on the Switch in its original form, but that was obviously never going to end well, and so now they are considering remaking the game from the ground up for a third time using Unreal Engine 4!

When asked at TGS about the progress of Final Fantasy XV on the Switch, the game’s director Hajime Tabata had this to say:

We’re actually doing very specific technical investigations into what’s possible at the moment. Where we are at the moment – we’ve completed those tests and have worked out where the ground lies. We’re currently in the middle of the discussion and debate about what we should be doing, and how to realise that on the Switch.

The other thing – you see the mobile version, the PC version, one thing we value is to optimise the way the game plays and the experience for the individual hardware it’s on rather than a one-size fits all approach. We can’t currently announce anything – we haven’t come to a full decision on the best way to do it yet. We’re having very open, frank discussions with Nintendo at the moment about what they think is the best thing to do. It’s all under investigation.

Honestly, when we did the technical test to see if we could use the same native engine we used on other console versions on the Switch, we tried to run it there, the results weren’t satisfactory. It wasn’t what you’d want from a final game. It doesn’t mean that’s the end of that – we’re looking at the options, like the customisation of the engine. To give you an example how open those discussions are – we’re talking to Epic at the moment, about maybe what we could possibly do there, and if we did a Switch version maybe we’d be able to partner and do something there. Their Unreal environment is just amazing, and will be very useful. You have to have all those options on the table – without that it’d be impossible to make a decision about what we can do on that platform.

Is this real life? How is this a thing? Only in Clown World could a company be considering remaking a game for a third time within the span of a year! Nobody wants this! Every time there is an article on Final Fantasy XV multitudes of people line-up to pass comment on what a bad game it was. There is no demand for this. Just the one or two same Nintendonlies who ask for it at every open gaming event.

Here is some free advice for Square Enix: do not remake the game in Unreal Engine 4, but instead remake it using the Project Octopath Traveler engine, as it is already optimised for Switch, and that way Final Fantasy XV might finally have a decent battle system. Also, forget remaking Final Fantasy XV at all, and instead use the Project Octopath Traveler engine in order to remake Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VI, because that shit would be amazing!

... Nintendo just decided not to use it!
The Switch has had a working NES emulator since release…

Nintendo Switch Has Had a Working NES Emulator since Launch! has spent many weeks since the launch of the Nintendo Switch bemoaning the state of backwards compatibility on the system, or rather the lack thereof. Here is the thing though – every single Nintendo Switch that has ever sat on a store shelf has contained a working NES emulator. Nintendo has had NES emulation working on the Switch since day-1, as every single console to ever have been manufactured has contained a working copy of Golf.

Golf was one of the first games that former Nintendo President Satoru Iwata worked on, and so this game is set to unlock on July 11 2018, three years to the day that he passed away. Because of this, if one wishes to play Golf on the Switch right now, then what they need to do is adjust the system’s internal clock to that date – however, this only works if the Nintendo Switch being used has never been connected to the internet. Once a person has taken their Switch online, they will then have to wait until the game’s unlock date.

So there you go, the Switch has had a working NES emulator from day-1, but Nintendo in their infinite wisdom simply decided not to make any use of it! They would rather have their console be shitty and sell another ten copies of Snipper Clips than to be awesome with a range of great older titles. If we are being honest here, Nintendo probably did not wish to have the Switch competing with the NES Classic. Hell, they have probably been sitting on working SNES and N64 emulators too for the very same reason!


  1. Another year of fucking horrendous cup noodle DLC please let it end let it end let it end

  2. SE is worried about starvation! That must be why they have emphasized sustenance so heavily in XV. In fact, I bet that internally those aren’t even Roman numerals: Final Fantasy Xtra Vitamins.

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