News: Nintendo Promises*

It Is Official: Switch VC Is Never Coming

So Nintendo has finally announced their paid online service for the Switch. Along with allowing owners to continue to access online multiplayer, the service will also allow customers to store their savefiles in the cloud, and will allow subscribers to access a selection of emulated NES games with support for online multiplayer. There will be 20 NES games available upfront, and there will be many other NES games added at regular intervals – which this author will not be holding his breath for:

... Or like beers into SiliconN00B's maw!
Nintendo’s promises disappear like tears in the rain…

At launch, previously announced games Balloon Fight, Dr. Mario and Super Mario Bros. 3 will be joined by Donkey Kong, Ice Climber, The Legend of Zelda, Mario Bros., Soccer, Super Mario Bros. and Tennis. An additional 10 launch games will be announced in the future.

These are some good games. Cloud saves is a much desired feature. This looks like a decent service. It will be available for $20 a year, or $35 a year for multiple Switch households. No complaints here. However, many people had assumed that the Virtual Console would be announced alongside Nintendo’s paid online service. Nintendo told us that the Virtual Console would be coming, and that the NES games available through the online service would also be available for purchase outright. There were emulated GameCube games promised! Now Nintendo has revealed that their previous positions were just a lie, and that now they have no plans for a Virtual Console:

There are currently no plans to bring classic games together under the Virtual Console banner as has been done on other Nintendo systems. There are a variety of ways in which classic games from Nintendo and other publishers are made available on Nintendo Switch, such as through Nintendo Entertainment System – Nintendo Switch Online, Nintendo eShop or as packaged collections. Nintendo Entertainment System – Nintendo Switch Online will provide a fun new way to experience classic NES games that will be different from the Virtual Console service, thanks to enhancements such as added online play, voice chat via the Nintendo Switch Online app and the various play modes of Nintendo Switch.

Well fuck. It is possible that more Nintendo platforms will be added to the Switch online service. It is possible that Nintendo wish to dispense with the Virtual Console banner, and simply to sell their retro games individually under the power of their own brand recognition. Nintendo is already selling GameCube and Wii games on the Nvidia Shield in China, so it would not make sense for these games to not come to the technically similar Nintendo Switch. That said, Nintendo cannot be relied upon to make logical decisions.

One could easily envision a scenario where Nintendo decides to scrap plans to release GameCube titles because of some arbitrary bullshit reasons. Nintendo made big promises about delivering a service that people really wanted back when they were struggling for relevance with the Wii U, and now that the Switch is a massive success Nintendo’s promises disappear down the memory hole! There is still a chance that we get GameCube titles, but it is not looking really good after this week. Looks like they decided there was better money in releasing mini consoles. Thanks Nintendo.

Igarashi Starts to Make Good On Bloodstained

No, it is not quite time for Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, but it is almost time for Bloodstained: Curse of the Moon. When Koji Igarashi earned a massive 5.5 million dollars on Kickstarter it met a stretch goal obliging him to create an 8-bit throwback prequel title which leads into Ritual of the Night. As readers might be able to guess, this basically amounts to the first action level-based Castlevania game since Rondo of Blood and Dracula X, replete with beautiful 8bit graphics which give Castlevania III a run for its money.

Lusipurr will be in his element!
The visuals are beautiful.

Survive the horrible night as you form new alliances and battle against demonkind in this retro-style action game! Thanks to the awesome success of the “Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night” Kickstarter brought to you by Koji Igarashi, this 8-bit spin-off has come to life! You play as the swordsman Zangetsu, and must decide if the adventurers you encounter throughout your journey will become friend or foe. Choose wisely, as your decisions will effect the ending of the game!

Curse of the Moon will be available to all backers beyond the $28 pledge threshold, and any readers who have not yet backed the project will still be able to purchase the game for $10 when it releases on May 24th. The game will have two endings, and four playable characters; Zangetsu (sword), Miriam (whip), Alfred (alchemist), and Gebel (magic). One has always preferred the Symphony of the Night style of RPG Castlevania games, yet the 8bit sprites and chiptunes of Curse of the Moon are much more appealing than the 3D graphics and orchestral themes of Ritual of the Night. 8bit NES graphics are fucking beautiful!

We Will Never Be Free From Resident Evil Films!

We will never be free of Resident Evil films. Even if they happen to be called Monster Hunter or Dino Crisis, they are still in essence the same thing. Monster Hunter World, already Capcom’s best selling title, has now hit over 8 million units shipped since its January release. One might have thought that Capcom would use this opportunity to build the franchise into an even stronger multi-media juggernaut, but nope! Capcom is never one to content themselves with constructive brand building when they could whore their titles out to become pure trash!

Thanks Capcom!
These awful films will never stop being made.

So Capcom has palmed off the film rights of Monster Hunter to director Paul W. S. Anderson, producer Jeremy Bolt, and star Milla Jovovich (Anderson’s wife) – this is the director, producer and star of the Resident Evil films! Anderson has also directed such inspired cinematic masterpieces as Mortal Kombat and Alien VS Predator. They have churned their way through the Resident Evil series, so now it is time for them to start shitting up Monster Hunter. At this point one is almost certain that the reason Jovovich even married Anderson was to continue getting access to work. She previously married Luc Besson, which certainly did not do her career any harm in the mid-to-late 90s.

This abomination of pure trash will begin filming in September with a budget of 60 million dollars in Cape Town, South Africa (hopefully the entire crew get necklaced). Apparently it has been on the cards since 2016, and when it was first announced it came with the synopsis:

For every Monster, there is a Hero. An ordinary man in a dead end job discovers that he is actually the descendant of an ancient hero. He must travel to a mystical world to train to become a Monster Hunter, before the mythical creatures from that world destroy ours.

Wow, that sure sounds like a winner! If that pitch was not enough to get readers excited for the next terrible Capcom film, then some shilling from Paul W. S. Anderson’s production company certainly will:

Paul has proven over and over he does stylish movies. It’s one of his big strong points. He can make a movie look good, is very much into visuals.

Monster Hunter is envisioned as a film series. We are in the business of brand creation.

Great. Looks like we can look forward to another 15 years of terrible Monster Hunter films – but at least we are done with Resident Evil, right? Right?!

Regarding a “Resident Evil” reboot, Constantin is “still working on it creatively,” Moszkowicz said, adding that one option could be a TV series. ”For us, the main thing is to get it right creatively so people don’t think it’s more of the same. That’s what it’s all about these days, a fresh, different approach.”



  1. Look forward to my review of Curse of the Moon!

  2. There must be some mistake. Virtual Console will be better than ever on Nintendo Switch – with the long-awaited GameCube support at last! It will be a day long remembered. Nintendo ALWAYS keeps its promises!

  3. Also, great image and caption in the first paragraph. Blade Runner is a great film and I don’t care who knows it. Rutger Hauer improvised that line in a script read-through, FYI. TRIVIA!

  4. I expect Nintendo will release their older titles in a collection rather than individually.

  5. Great article, Snoob! This new online game feature would have potential if it went beyond NES games. I mean, I can’t imagine NES Soccer taking the online gaming community by storm. Some of those old NES games don’t have the legs they’re hoping for. However, if they cycled in some snes, n64, and GameCube games into this idea, it could be more interesting, but I’m probably being too optimistic about that.

    Curse of the Moon on the other hand is indeed a pleasant surprise, and a game to look forward to this month. I’m excited to read Lusipurr’s upcoming review, and maybe perhaps a stream? Hope the staff is having a good week so far, and keep up the great work!

  6. The worst thing is that we know that Nintendo plans to ROTATE their titles and only to have a few available at any time. So look forward to only being able to play Metroid during October! Then it’ll be out of rotation for a couple of years! AWESOME! WHAT A SERVICE!

  7. @Fumunshu: You can expect a stream! I’m very excited about Curse of the Moon.

  8. Nintendo are really fucking up here. Nobody squanders goodwill like Nintendo!

  9. @S’NooB even when they DO get a surprise hit on their hands–the goal for which they’ve been fishing since the Wii–they still act as though it is a failure, and throw their loyal fans over the side in their mad rush to increase profit at any cost. Down with Nintendo!

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