Once upon an evening dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a terrible and dreadful game of forgotten shite–
While I browsed them, quite unhappy, suddenly there was a snappy
“Crikey!” as of an Australian laughing, chuckling out of spite.
“Tis some drunkard,” I muttered, “Laughing, no doubt out of spite–
Only this to disturb my night.”
Ah, the day had come too soon: it was on the first of June;
And each separate game there listed was a monument to shit.
F. F. eight they had alloted–vainly seven, I had plotted
To play (by it besotted, besotted to a level scarcely fit)
For the rare and excellent game, if the readers but permit–
But they would not that game admit.
And the loathesome, lousy nonsense of these men without a conscience
Affrighted me–filled me with dreadful terrors felt each summer afore;
So that now, to silence the fans, I took fate into my hands
And proclaimed, “A symphony, a symphony will no one ever bore–
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, will no one ever bore;–
Let me play this and nothing more.
But the Aussie’s laugh grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“G’day,” said he, “Lusi, your optimism I abhore;
But the fact is we are spiteful, and your pain we find delightful,
And we are very rightful, rightful as we demand still more,
That we intend to spite you,”–here I turned in angry horror
Dark there was and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Thinking then of games which had made many a gamer pale
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Undertale?”
This I spat, and the fans shouted back the word, “Undertale!”
A nipple-tweaking fairytale.
Back into my chamber turning, all my hate within me burning,
Soon again I heard a laughing somewhat louder than before.
“Certes,” said I, “Sure I am that Aussie has gathered quite a posse.
Let me see, then, who he’s gathered and this mystery explore–
Let my rage be still a moment as I this mystery explore–
‘Tis a belch and nothing more!
Opened I the comment thread, when, with many a post unread,
In there came suggestions many from when I was in school;
Not a few of them were bad, and others made me sad,
Still others were forbade, in defiance of the rule:
Games already reviewed, or VR, against the rule
Submitted, and considered, in the total pool.
Then the staff members began talking as I their plans were blocking
Debating many ways to force their selections to the fore:
“Though he seems not to like Nocturne, methinks it is false doctrine,
A lie as thin as popcorn to get SMT through the door,
Tell us Lusi, how will you weigh it, if we force you to play it?”
But I those games abhor.
Much they marvelled at my words, levelled at the fetid turds,
At the games they felt were wondrous–with the import of a mummer;
For they were soon agreeing that no living human being
Had ever suffered as they intended I would suffer this summer–
Not a single, weeping gamer would ever have felt dumber,
Such would be this gaming bummer.
And the readers, tho’ even-handed, each one in comments demanded
That they would see my blood, see my misery outpour.
Nothing less than that would sate ’em, “For you see, we all do hate him,
Hate it when he says we should all Undertale deplore,
Hate it when he says we ourselves thus should deplore,
Make him suffer evermore.”
“Fools!” said I, “men of evil–fools ye are, of wit primeval!–
Whether Sabin-sent, or whether Riddlethos drew you to this site,
Know that I to hell will send thee, and to my purpose bend ye,
Make you know the bitter folly of your choice this very night,
Make you regret your support of Undertale this night,
Regret it now, and be thus right.
“Be that game our sign of parting, fiend or foe,” I shrieked, upstarting–
“Get thee back into Cat Fancy and the night’s far unseen shore!
Leave no remnant of your harassing, not a further suggestion in passing,
Not one more suggestion lasting of games you will ask for,
Not a further word offer up, you lamentable bore,
Silence now, and nothing more.”
But though the readers dwindled, their fury was then kindled,
And further games were added to the list of dreadful tat.
And the list is always growing, and it shows no signs of slowing,
Every title overflowing with grime, and bilge, and fat,
Each game upon it sucking like a vampire bat:
Only garbage; only tat.
And the readers still are screaming, the readers still are dreaming
Of watching me play through the release of Fable IV.
But Summer is upon us, so that dark and dread Adonis,
Peter Moleyneux, dishonest, remains dead like Dumbledore,
His game unmade, and not in store:
Hence Undertale, forevermore.
Information, Instructions, Rules
1. How It Works: Lusipurr will play, complete, and review whatever individual game is reached, based upon the total donation amount received and corrolating to the amounts indicated on the ‘donation thermometer’ at the close of the 2018 Summer Donation drive (ending at midnight US EDT on 1 July). Lusipurr will stream portions of his playthrough of the selected game on The Day Tonight Twitch.tv channel.
2. The List: The games on the list have been chosen by reader suggestions past and present, and ordered by Lusipurr himself so that, for him, each tier is worse than the previous tier, with the first game being (in his estimation of its impact upon his psyche) ‘bad’ and the last game being ‘catastrophically awful and hateful’. All of the games are well-known (for various reasons), and have been selected so as to be very entertaining both for vewing and reviewing purposes.
3. Half-way Milestone: At the $250 level, the site staff will unite together to perform a one-off musical episode of The Starlight Megaphone. The Day Tonight is not responsible for any damage (mental or physical) which may result from listening to the staff singing for an extended time.
4. Panty Rewards: All donations to TDT (including outside of this donation drive) of $5 and over will automatically be registered for the end-of-the-year game drawing, the winner of which will receive their choice of a new game on Amazon or Steam valued at up to $100. However, all $5 (or more) donations made during the donation drive will also be entered into an end-of-drive donation which will see one lucky winner receive Adeki’s Kirby Panties to do with as they choose. WEAR AND ENJOY!
5. Stretch Goals: For every $50 beyond the top donation tier ($500), Lusipurr will play on stream (for at least one hour), and provide a brief poetic summary of his experience with, one (1) additional game from the list. Any and all additional games will be chosen at random from those available until all of the games have been chosen (at the incredible sum of $1,000). Donations beyond $1,000 will incur no reward except for continuous, red-faced, fist-shaking ire from Lusipurr at being made to play and poetically render his experiences with nine awful games (and one particularly excellent game).
6. Timeframe: The Lusi-review will follow within a week after the selected game is completed. If stretch games are added, Lusipurr will stream and summarise his experience with each stretch game until all of the stretch games have been played. Obviously, medical, technological, or other serious extremities may delay or prohibit availability. The TSM Musical Episode of the podcast recording will be subject to the availability of staff and guests as needed, but is intended to take place within the 2018 calendar year.
7. TARGET BONUS 1: If the donation target is exceeded within the period of the donation drive, Lusipurr will also play through and review the Switch version of Final Fantasy XV. Yipes!
8. TARGET BONUS 2: If the donation target is exceeded within the period of the donation drive, a second drawing will be held for Summer Donation donators, and the winner will select a date of their choice for a special time-travelling podcast devoted to news from that date!
9. TARGET BONUS 3: If the donation target is exceeded within the period of the donation drive, a third! drawing will be held for Summer Donation donators, and the winner will select (from a list of 5-10 titles) the autumn playthrough game for the site!
10. TARGET BONUS 4: If the donation target is exceeded within the period of the donation drive, Lusipurr will write an epilogue for the (in)famous FINAL FANTASY VI RADIO PLAY, and it will be acted by the ‘talent’ from the original programme!
DONATIONS RECEIVED: $180
Scheduled Game Review: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)
($20 to A Boy and His Blob)
STRETCH GOAL GAMES UNLOCKED: 0
Donator Roll of Honour
1. Matt D.
2. Parker H.
3. Timothy F.
4. Eric F.
5. Scott M.
6. Jeff M.
7. (your name here!)