News: Simply Unclean

Kingdom Wub Wub Wub

Hold me. Whatever lies beyond this morning is bound to go horribly wrong. Regardless of warnings the future is certain to appall. Nothing is like it was before.

You’re selling me too many crappy things, lately, none of which I need. You smiled at me and said:

“SQUARE ENIX® and Disney today announced that the eight-time Grammy® Award winning Skrillex and internationally renowned singer songwriter Hikaru Utada have collaborated for the game’s opening theme song.”

Simply unclean is the way that you're making me feel tonight. It's hard to watch this shitshow...
When you go awry you don’t hear me cry: “Please, oh baby, don’t go.”

Say what? Did one read that correctly? Apparently Square Enix were tired of people telling them that Final Fantasy XV‘s Florence and the Machine abortion was the worst theme song abomination ever perpetrated against Square Enix fans, and so they hired Skrillex in order to make JRPG fans wish they were still listening to Florence and the Machine. After hearing this news one practically feels nostalgic for that terrible rendition of ‘Stand by Me’.

This is where all his albums belong.
[PICTURED]: Skrillex’s turntable.

This really does not feel real. Like, why would Square Enix feel that this was a good thing to do? One knows that Square Enix is trying to appeal to a younger generation of kids here. One also knows that Skrillex was the hip new trend in music – five years ago – but is that really enough? Like, should it not be the case that game devs are actually required to have a solid creative reason for putting a piece of commercial music into their game? Instead Square Enix are doing something stupid in order to be hip with the kids, and as a result the Kingdom Hearts III theme song will sound like a broken toilet having sex with an angle grinder!

The Virtual Console Probably Still Is Not Coming to Switch

There has been a lot of talk this week about the possibility of Nintendo’s Virtual Console coming to the Switch, and one cannot really fault Nintendo owners for seizing upon this thread of optimism. That being said, it would have been wiser for them to guard their expectations, because it probably is not happening.

The Virtual Console probably still isn't coming to Switch.
Hold your horses!

The recent release of Nintendo’s paid online disservice has lead to renewed interest in the Nintendo Switch eshop. This has led to a Twitter user going by the name of @KevDoy to take a look through the eshop code, where he discovered something interesting. The Switch eshop code contains an entry for a Virtual Console, along with sub-categories for NES, SNES, N64, Game Boy, Game Boy Color, GBA, and DS! Obviously this has led people to jump to some wildly optimistic conclusions, and few could blame them given the evidence. At least on the face of it.

It turns out that the 3DS also has a near identical piece of code as part of its eshop. Granted, the 3DS actually does have a Virtual Console, but the 3DS eshop code has entries for GBA, DS, and N64, when games from these platforms were never released on 3DS. N64 in particular was likely never even under consideration for 3DS, indicating that this is likely just a boilerplate piece of code that gets included in every Nintendo system eshop, regardless of whether a Virtual Console is planned or not. This is very likely the case. This piece of code very likely means nothing. On the off-chance that it does mean something though, and this entry indicates Nintendo’s intention to release a Virtual Console for Switch, then the absence of GameCube support seems quite conspicuous!

Nero Fiddles…

It is always irksome when insidious moral relativists attempts to blur and distort Western history. That said, it matters in some contexts more than others. When history is turned into a mockery in Assassin’s Creed it is irksome, but at the same time nobody really expects any better from Ubisoft. The Total War series is a different kettle of fish though, as the series was founded on anorak historic minutia, and a certain kind of audience have gravitated towards this approach. This is even more so the case for the Total War: Rome II audience, since the game has been available for five years now, and two history-based Total War games have been released since. There is still an audience for Rome II though, because the audience cares as much about the game’s historical setting as they do about the gameplay. If one were to create a venn diagram between Rome II‘s audience, historical reenactment enthusiasts, and people with autism, then there would likely be a substantial overlap between all three groups. Basically the Rome II audience is a big autistic sausage fest that likes their one special thing to be a particular way, and they will become distressed if anyone fucks with it. Unfortunately this has drawn a big target on their backs in the eyes of mean girls masquerading as moral puritans.

''If having female units upsets you that much you can either mod them out or just not play.''
”As has been said previously: Total War games are historically authentic, not historically accurate.”

Throughout September the Rome II community has been growing increasingly agitated after Creative Assembly decided to fuck with their hobby horse. One day the Rome II autists woke up, turned on their computers, and then discovered to their horror that half of their generals were now whammen, and many of those were now whammen of colour. There was no reason to do this. The game is five years old at this point, so it is not as though making such changes will attract a new audience. This was done solely to fuck with autists, and has been perpetrated by people who knew that the community would have a strong negative reaction to this corruption of history, and did it precisely because they consider any objection to Marxist colonisation of media to be worthy of punishment.

Creative Assembly started out with pure intentions. They have been making Total War games for eighteen years, and at the outset their passion for autistic history appeared to be every bit as great as that of their audience. Unfortunately for them, the sad fact of the matter is that any company that does not actively gatekeep against subversive elements will eventually end up converged by such people until they reach a tipping point, after which the company will no longer be capable of pursuing its original mission statement. Creative Assembly’s DNA has been fundamentally altered – they are no longer all that interested in history and they are no longer prioritising the accumulation of wealth. Instead they are playing stupid games to fuck with autists, as they attempt to rewrite ancient history.


  1. The KH3 theme song is just the latest in a long series of all-out assaults on aesthetic sensibilities from Squeenix. By the time FF7 releases, they’ll have replaced the entire soundtrack with the sound of Motomu Toriyama fapping to CGI video of Lightning.

  2. @SN: Oh God, I forgot that they used Gackt, too. We really are looking at SquareEnix, prostrate before the shit-music industry. Who would have thought this back in 1987?

  3. If Nintendo put a Virtual Console on the Switch I would likely part with a fair chunk of change.

  4. @Imitanis: they won’t.
    These VC categories are just that—placeholder categories for the eshop backend. They exist on 3DS even for things that aren’t there on 3DS, and they were copied over wholesale from that system to this. They don’t even want to commit to having SNES games on their crummy subscription service, so the idea that they’ll put them on VC is ludicrous at present.

  5. Almost forgot. While watching rgt85’s show, he had a news story on switch dlc being locked behind the online payment system only. Meaning updates, dlc, and possibly the eShop are locked behind their online pay service only.

  6. @Pub Pins: Thanks for the tip. I just checked out an article on this topic and it seems legit. Can’t wait to write about this!

  7. That is FUCKING INCREDIBLE. WHOA. Jesus Nintendo are a bunch of sleazy bastards.

  8. This is a horrible business decision by Nintendo. Market economics is never a zero sum game. There is no correlation between NES/SNES classic ownership and virtual console sales. The switch would allow people to have access to SNES/GBA/GB/N64/NES games and they would make a ton of money if they’d just release as much of their back library as possible on the Switch. The success of the NES/SNES classic reinforce that fact more then provide a stupid reason not to do it.

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