News: No Minecraft for Old Swedes

Notch Not Invited to Minecraft 10th Anniversary Celebration

When Notch’s name was deleted from the splash screens that appear during Minecraft‘s start-up sequence, many people found it to be a noteworthy occurrence. People had speculated that this was intended as a punitive measure against Notch, however if one were to give Microsoft the benefit of the doubt then it does not seem unreasonable that the new owner of an IP might not want the name of a long-departed creator to be promoted quite so heavily right at the game’s start-up sequence. This week though the question over the erasure of Notch’s name has been made retroactively indisputable – it was intended as a disapproving slight towards Notch, on account of his wrongthink.

They could have said nothing.

Microsoft hasn’t exactly done anything wrong here – but it just looks very petty.

The celebration for Minecraft‘s tenth anniversary is set to occur on the 17th of this month, and Notch did not receive an invite. This was not an oversight, and his invitation did not get lost in the mail, instead Microsoft has made it very clear that this is display of moralising grandstanding:

His comments and opinions do not reflect those of Microsoft or Mojang and are not representative of Minecraft.

They could have just said nothing and played dumb, but Microsoft wanted to make it very clear that any association with Notch is no longer welcome on account of unforgivably racist comments he has made like “It’s OK to be white”. Notch should have had the common sense to realise that it is not OK to be white, and just shut his mouth. Regardless, Notch sleeps atop a pile of money, and Microsoft is free to do with the IP as they wish. There has been no wrongdoing here, but it is interesting to see how quick they are to shun the creator of their most successful IP, given that this will almost certainly damage the Minecraft brand.

Earthworm Jim 3 Announced

Earthworm Jim 3 has been announced this week, that name is not official, but it is what the game will essentially be. The original ten man development team responsible for Earthworm Jim and Earthworm Jim 2 has been reassembled in its entirety, including such names as Doug TenNapel, David Perry, Mike Dietz, Nick Bruty, and Tommy Tallarico. Do not celebrate yet however; the series was killed due to the colossally poor decision to swap pixels for polygons with Earthworm Jim 3D, and now its resurrection looks set to be a stillbirth due to the monumentally poor decision to make Earthworm Jim 3 exclusive to the Intellivision Amico.

... For a console you will likely never own.

Earthworm Jim 3 is coming out…

WTF is the Intellivision Amico?, you may well ask. It is intended to be a simplistic console for babies which will only carry software rated E and E10+ (sort of like a LeapFrog console).

We are creating a console that parents want to buy, not that they were asked to buy.

Most every game being made for the home consoles these days is created with only the hardcore gamer in mind. We see a world where everyone is interested in playing at home and with friends, but this isn’t currently possible because the barrier to entry is nearly impossible for a non-gamer due to the complexity of the controllers, intricacy of gameplay, expense of the hardware and software and steep learning curve with an unbalanced fun factor for the beginner. Our goal was to create a console that both gamers and non-gamers are able to have fun with and play together. The Intellivision Amico is our answer to this gaping hole we see within the current video game industry.

Entry to gaming for non-gamers is almost impossible because of dem gosh darn buttons! ^_^

More to the point, the system’s controller is uniquely unsuited to a run and gun platformer like Earthworm Jim, seeing as its face features just a gyrowheel and a touchscreen, with a couple of physical buttons located along the side of the device. The control pad will be perfect for gyro space shooters, and in fact there is a ton of retro software being ported to the system, but for anything else it is just useless. The only hope for Earthworm Jim 3 is that it gets ported to a proper console after it fails on the Amico. This being said, it is impossible to get too angry about Earthworm Jim 3 being exclusive to the Amico, seeing as the CEO of Intellivision is actually Tommy Tallarico, the game’s composer. The game would not likely exist were it not for its Amico exclusivity, but that does not change the fact that it will be unplayable on the system’s controller. As such one is inclined to just carry on with the mindset that (in practical terms) Earthworm Jim 3 does not, and never will, exist.

Tommy Tallarico Stands Up To Polygon Urinalist

One of this author’s favourite recent terms is ‘urinalist’, a term which describes perfectly the yellow journalism performed by fake news purveyors of virtue-signalling filth like Kotaku and Polygon. So this week Earthworm Jim 3 was announced, and the Earthworm Jim composer / Intellivision CEO Tommy Tallarico posted the exciting news on his Facebook. It was at this point that Polygon urinalist Chris Scullion started sniffing around, trying to coerce Tallarico into firing Earthworm Jim creator, Doug TenNapel, from the project due to the fact that he is an unrepentant trad Christian. You see, TenNapel believes that marriage is between a man and a woman, rather than whatever Chris Scullion happens to be into, and the fact that Doug will not bake that fucking cake is ‘problematic’ in the current year.

NPC standover tactics.

Kiss the ring, or be destroyed!

So Tallarico announced Earthworm Jim 3, and one of his Facebook friends responded with excitement:

Amazing. This is the reason I bought the Genesis and the only game I ever owned for it. Also, who doesn’t love Doug TenNapel?

To this Scullion responded:

Quite a few people, to be fair. I’m so excited for this game but I’m going to struggle to support him personally.

This is fine. Opinions and all that. The implicit threat is still there, if one goes looking for it, but there is nothing absolutely beyond the pale here. Unfortunately, Tallarico then made the faux pas of responding to a mentally broken wretch with some middle-of-the-road placation, rather than a firm backhand:

I totally respect everyone’s right to believe whatever the heck they want. No worries. The reality is if we do the game with Doug, some people may get upset. If we did the game without Doug, other people would be upset. So it’s a no win situation no matter what as it’s absolutely impossible in this day and age to please everyone. But it’s very important to know that although Doug was the creator of the actual character, it was the entire team of 10 of us who created the experience that everyone knows and loves. A complete team effort with no one having more important opinions or visions over anyone else. Making the game with the original team is the only way to keep it 100% authentic.

At this point Scullion obviously realised that his previous threat had been far too vague, and thus reiterated his intention so as to leave no doubt about what he was suggesting:

I totally respect and appreciate that Tommy. As a journalist I’m 100% keen to cover the Amico in general and review as many of its games as possible. But I hope you appriciate that it may be trickier for me to review this one if Doug is involved. I don’t mean any hard feelings man and wish you every success with the Amico in general.

You keep makin’ games with that TenNapel fella, it might not be so good for your health, eh? It would be a real shame if something were to happen to that console you gots coming out!

These are standover tactics. It has literally taken NPC gaming urinalists a little over four years to become the Italian mafia – only the Italian mafia at least had standards. To Tommy Tallarico’s credit he stuck to his guns for the integrity of his game, but many developers would not. This is why so many devs now tow the NPC line. This is why Mortal Kombat, once synonymous with controversy, has now become woke as fuck. If this is the type of shit that we, the public, are able to observe happening occasionally, then imagine how many ultimatums game devs are hit with over e-mail, the phone, or behind closed doors at conferences.

1 comment on “News: No Minecraft for Old Swedes”

  1. “His comments and opinions do not reflect those of Microsoft or Mojang and are not representative of Minecraft.”

    …Except for the fact that he actually made the game and you did not. But other than that, you’re totally right, Microsoft!

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