News: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII Remake!

Square Enix to Reanimate the Corpse of Compilation of Final Fantasy VII

Long ago, Square Enix and Tetsuya Nomura reduced the world of Final Fantasy VII to a scorched wasteland, and quality software simply ceased to exist. 12 years have passed… Realm Reborn, Dragon Quest XI, and Bravely Default have been rediscovered, and smug self-satisfaction reigns. But there are those who would deprave the world by reviving the dread reductive project known as Compilation of Final Fantasy VII. Can it be that those in power at Square Enix are on the verge of repeating a senseless and retarded mistake?

Yes. Yes, it can.

How could there possibly exist an appetite for any more Compilation of VII side stories?
It is possible that the resurrection of the Compilation shovelware project was necessitated by the hundreds of millions of dollars that Square Enix lost on the disaster that is Marvel’s Avengers!

Square Enix has been busy trademarking things this week, and among them are Ever Crisis, The First Soldier, and the logo for the Shinra Electric Power Company. The Squaresoft side of Square Enix love to do cringy things with their naming conventions, which they think make them look smart. It did not take long before people began to realise that Ever Crisis fit perfectly into the stupid little naming convention that Square Enix had established for Compilation of Final Fantasy VII. Under this naming convention Advent Children, Before Crisis, Crisis Core, and Dirge of Cerberus become AC, BC, CC, and DC – under this system Ever Crisis obviously becomes EC.

First Soldier is not terribly far off from this naming convention either, which is to say that the first half of the title conforms to it. If one were to delve into some conjecture for a moment, then it does not seem terribly farfetched to imagine that the title could have started out as something like First Clone (FC), before Square Enix higher-ups decided that this 24-year-old plot point was far too much of a spoiler, and it was changed to First Soldier. If we can agree that this explanation is not only plausible, but even probable, then we can also agree that Ever Crisis and First Soldier (First Clone) probably represent the EC and FC in the previously established AC, BC, CC, DC naming convention. Looks like we can look forward to the expansion of Square Enix’s low quality, low effort Final Fantasy VII extended universe! Hopefully these games are all PS5 exclusives!

Essex Police Mock Pokemon GO Players for not Adhering to Covid Rules

Imagine thinking in the current year that it was acceptable as a grown-ass Man to attend public areas in order to capture Pokemon for a mobile phone game! Not so fast reprobates, Constable Plod is on the case!

The Essex Police Facebook account had some stern words for Rochford residents who for some reason thought it was appropriate to leave their homes:

Whilst patrolling, our community policing team, have had cause to speak with a number of different men, aged 30+ over the last week, who seemed to feel it is acceptable to attend certain public places within the district, to hunt Pokemon.

Honestly, yes, you did read that correctly. If that happens to be someone you know, please remind them of the following information shared by our partners at Rochford District Council.

Pokemon fanboys treating goverment fascists with the precisely correct amount of seriousness that they deserve.
All their carefully laid plans thrown into chaos by bored Pokemon virgins!

We have reached peak ridiculousness here. Firstly, the kind of 30-year-old Men who are still playing Pokemon GO at this point, are the kind of 30-year-old men who can likely go weeks without having interpersonal contact. They were not going out to parks in the dead of Winter in order to socialise! Secondly, Covid has a very low fatality rate and is primarily transmitted by symptomatic carriers in enclosed spaces – so these Men did not pose much of a risk to anyone, regardless of what they planned to do at the park.

Understandably, this heavy-handed approach led to the police being pilloried for their nonsense. Not so fast, thought Cheryl Roe, the Deputy Leader of Rochford Council, nobody questions this unprecedented power grab on our watch! Cheryl Roe then gave these naughty children a full blast of her peak angry-Mommy energy:

There needs to be an all or nothing approach. The police are damned if they do, damned if they don’t. If these people were genuinely unaware they are bending the rules then that’s fine, but if they are repeat offenders, they need to be told.

Imagine if the Police tried this hard to stop the spread of GRIDs!
The Police can be damned tbh. Nobody gives two shits about the footsoldiers of Mommy police-state.

These children need to be aware that they are breaking Mommy Government’s rules! Naughty children! How dare you be mean to Constable Plod for enforcing Mommy Government’s rules! No dessert for you!

Sadly for Mommy Roe, it would appear that her chastisement fell on deaf ears, as Constable Plod was later bullied into deleting his very important message about not playing Pokemon GO outdoors!

We were called to concerns of people making non-essential journeys in the Rochford area last week. We issued a tweet to remind the public of government guidelines re non-essential travel.

The tweet was issued in good faith, but was later deleted to ensure the appropriate level of seriousness when sharing crucial partnership and safety messages about the pandemic.

Yes indeed, only our grown-up-words are serious enough to convey the full gravity of the importance of not playing Pokemon GO outdoors when there is some minor risk of contracting a seldom-lethal Flu! Glad to see that Constable Plod is at last handling the situation with the full seriousness it deserves!

CD Projekt Red Being Investigated by UOKiK

The PC release of Cyberpunk 2077 has undoubtedly been the one high point of the game’s release. There are more bugs than is optimal, and the game is not quite as robust as some people would like, but overall PC gamers have welcomed it as a quality entry to their game libraries. By contrast the console release of the game has been just awful! Bad word of mouth is hurting game sales, an unconditional refund is being offered, Sony has unlisted the game from their PSN store, billions of dollars have been wiped from CD Projekt Red’s stock price, and investors have launched class action lawsuits in both America and Poland. It is hard to imagine how things could get much worse. But things did get worse.

The worst case scenario for CD Projekt Red probably won't end up happening, but it is worth considering.
Relationships go both ways – and CD Projekt Red may be about to learn this the hard way.

This week it was revealed that CD Projekt Red are being investigated by the Office of Competition and Consumer Protection (UOKiK), and could be fined 10% of their Cyberpunk 2077 revenue. In the normal run of things something like this would be nothing for CD Projekt to worry about, as nothing would ever come of it. Unconditional refunds are already being offered, so the remedy for any unsatisfied customers is right there, but this is not quite a standard situation.

For roughly a decade the Polish government has been holding up the games of CD Projekt Red as one of their primary cultural exports. Famously, back in 2011 Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk even gifted Barack Obama with a copy of The Witcher 2 in order to commemorate his visit to the US. For a decade now CD Projekt Red has been enjoying only the benefits which come with such a relationship, but if the Polish government now feels that this relationship reflects poorly on them, then they may attempt to make an example of CD Projekt in order to create some distance. To be clear, it would be quite unusual for a government agency to penalise a company in such a way given the circumstances, yet the possibility that CD Projekt Red may face the maximum penalty for misleading consumers cannot be entirely dismissed due to the special relationship they enjoyed with the Polish government. It really just depends on whether the decision to investigate CD Projekt is bureaucratically driven, or whether directions to investigate them came from the top brass. This situation may yet amount to nothing.

3 comments

  1. I’m calling it now:

    Re:Compilation of Final Fantasy VII

  2. I’m predicting a future spin-off named Forever Crisis.

  3. A nice move recasting FF6’s opening for this week’s news!

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