News: Sony Makes an In Season April Fools Joke!

Sony Finally Admits to Shutting Down Japan Studio

The fact that Sony of California are shutting down Japan Studio because they hate Japanese people is probably the worst kept secret in gaming. The widespread rumours that employee contracts were not being renewed was confirmed when Silent Hill and Gravity Rush director, Keiichiro Toyama, revealed that he had been forced out of his position, yet Sony continued to play dumb and pretend that nothing was going on. Now finally Sony have had to admit that they are shutting down Japan Studio, and that any vestigial remnants of Japan Studio will be rolled into Asobi Team, the developers behind Astro’s Playroom, by April 1st – April Fools Day.

... And too innoffensive to be missed.
Astro’s Playroom: too sterile to be offensive.

In an effort to further strengthen business operations, SIE can confirm PlayStation Studios JAPAN Studio will be re-organized into a new organization on April 1. JAPAN Studio will be re-centered to Team ASOBI, the creative team behind Astro’s PLAYROOM, allowing the team to focus on a single vision and build on the popularity of Astro’s PLAYROOM.

So what is so special about Asobi Team? Asobi Team was founded by a Frenchman, Nicolas Doucet, who also serves as director on all of Asobi Team’s games. In addition to this 100% of the artists and musicians involved with Asobi Team productions appear to be Euoropean in origin, so while their games feature Japanese programmers and designers, no part of their productions feature anything that might be considered a form of Japanese cultural expression. This in turn means that there is nothing present in any of their games which might offend the sensibilities of Sony of California – and boy does it show with the completely bland and sterile aesthetics on show in Astro’s Playroom!

This is what Sony of California wishes that every game was!

A bunch of people connected with Sony have been claiming this week that Japan Studio is being shut down due to a lack of profitability. This contains an element of truth, as Japan Studio has released a fair number of titles that have not been overly commercial in nature – but this has been due to a studio-wide mandate for them to focus on new ways to play. The people responsible for creating games like Legend of Dragoon, Ape Escape, Gravity Rush, Ico, Shadow of the Colossus, and The Last Guardian, and the people responsible for co-developing Wild Arms, Demon’s Souls, Bloodborne, Arc the Lad, Alundra, and Dark Cloud are being dissolved due to a lack of profitability, while the studio that gets to survive and absorb any remnants of Japan Studio is Asobi Team, a studio that has never shipped a commercial game.

The Playroom and Astro’s Playroom were tech demos for the PS4 and PS5 respectively, while The Playroom VR and Astro Bot Rescue Mission were PSVR tech demos – all of these were released for free. If Sony of California were looking at dissolving Japanese developers that were not turning a profit, then why did they not start by firing every member of Asobi Team?

As for the production, localisation, and IP management functions that were previously handled by Japan Studios, they will now be taken over by Playstation’s Euro-centric Worldwide Studios, under the watch of Guerilla Games co-founder Hermen Hulst.

In addition, the roles of external production, software localization, and IP management of JAPAN Studio titles will be concentrated within the global functions of PlayStation Studios.

What this pretty much means is that any Japanese developer that partners with Sony on a second party product will now be under the watch of the woke Californian management structure, instead of being able to collaborate with a Japanese Sony studio who are closer to their cultural wavelength.

Hermen Hulst has Become an Alchemist

Hermen Hulst has become an alchemist. He is able to take buckets of watery shit and convert them into top grade fertiliser of a finely perfumed bouquet! He then takes this fertiliser and uses it to grow straw, which he spins into gold – in much the same way as he is able to take dire PS5 news and spin it into something else entirely!

Anyone familiar with the certified fact that the Nintendo Switch is able to outsell the combined sales for the PS5 and Series X every single month in America (even during launch month), might be slightly confused by any assertion claiming that the PS5 is the fastest selling console in US history – yet with alchemy anything is possible!

... But then they wake up and their console is still a turd!
PS5 is the fastest selling console in US history because Sony are working extra hard to wish that into existence!

With alchemy one can take a terrible state of affairs – say, that scalpers are buying up all available stock of your already expensive and numerically limited console, and then selling it on Ebay for three times the recommended price – and then spin that into a grand claim – for instance, that the PS5 is the fastest selling console in US history! How does one thing lead to the other? Well, one would probably have to be an underpants gnome to understand, but Hermen Hulst of Playstation’s Worldwide Studios assures us that it is absolutely the case!

PS5 is the fastest-selling hardware platform in US history, NPD Group reports

This is what Hermen Hulst Tweeted this week, and he even thought to include a link to an NPD report that prominently confirms that the Nintendo Switch was the bestselling hardware in the US for the month of February, just as it has been every month for the last 27 consecutive months!

The supply constrained PS5 was only the second best-selling hardware platform in February, trailing Nintendo Switch in both unit and dollar sales.

Nintendo’s system has now been the best-selling console in the US for a record 27 consecutive months based on units sold.

How does one even self pwn this badly?

Hulst’s claims are not actually based on nothing, but are instead based on the highly tortured and qualified claim made in the article that for the period of the last four months (but not for the month of February alone) the PS5 has been the fastest selling console in the US based on dollar sales – as people bought PS5s at launch for $1,500 on Ebay and Amazon.

PlayStation 5 is currently the fastest selling video game hardware platform in US history, according to market research firm NPD Group.

That’s based on dollar sales generated by Sony’s console after four months of availability, NPD analyst Mat Piscatella said on Friday.

The NPD analyst, Mat Piscatella, who’s tweet was referenced by the article, promptly followed up with this tweet:

Friendly reminder that next generation hardware sales right now, and likely for the next 4+ months, are a function of supply far more than a reflection of demand.

One can see no evidence of Hermen Hulst relaying this important follow-up information. It must have proved to be not so good for alchemy!

These dollar sales are obviously meaningless in the longterm, as we can see by the fact that demand for PS5 has already dropped by such an extent that it was unable to outsell the Switch in dollar terms for the month of February. This kind of desperate grasping shit is enough to give anyone second hand embarrassment for Sony.

Californian Fruit

Are we not all besides ourselves with joy and gratitude that the big brains at Sony of California have seized control of the Playstation brand? Their latest innovation is nothing if not customer focused. One of the biggest problems with Sony controllers is that they are filled with so much useless technology that they are prohibitively expensive, and have worse battery life than a handheld console. Sony may have solved this problem however, if the patent uncovered this month is to be believed.

This is what you get!
When your business is run by monkeys…

A Sony patent has this month been revealed which will allow PS5 owners to use bananas and other pieces of fruit as PS5 controllers. The way that this works is that the PS5 camera (seemingly) arbitrarily maps a virtual dpad and buttons onto fixed points of the piece of fruit, and then allows players to control their games with them as though they were using a touch screen. Because this is just what owners of Sony’s $500 console (plus $1000 scalper tax) want, mushing fruit in their hands in order to play games! And once you are done playing you can snack on a delicious piece of bruised fruit! What could be better?

Good to see that Sony of California are using their company’s considerable resources in ways that just make sense!

3 comments

  1. Can they map a virtual arcade stick on my hand, with my thumb as the lever and the buttons on my palm?

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